The calm of the night descends and I'm huddled up in my bed with blankets engulfing me like a tepee. During the day I am running around like a mad man, trying to oversee a growing operation. The night is a peaceful time to reflect...
Something my new friend Diana said to me has been rattling around in my head this past week. She said she saw me as one of these people that is fearless in life.
I laughed because I've thought about this before, though not in the context of being "fearless." The short answer is that I am terrified, just not like most people would know. Not having a comfortable life or money or general security, or even health, doesn't really scare me. I am terrified of the 'what if's'... potential missed opportunities, the consequences of not trying, and of not living up to my potential. Unless the Buddhists and Hindus are right we only get one shot at this life. I like risking it all, especially if I am betting on myself.
I'm still trying to figure out where this view originated; it's proving a bit difficult. I see elements of it in my parents, but nothing that takes it to this level. The best I can come up with is that it's a solid hodgepodge of comic books, Star Trek, and Sunday School. In those three influences all exist characters that take a higher ground, look for their higher selves, overcome dispite the odds, and wrestle with the moral gray area. I wanted to be those characters, and want so badly for the worlds they purport to be real, that it guides much of what I do. (Please don't take this as meaning I hold some high ground, all of this is balanced with a strong inclination to buck authority, ruffle feathers, and generally make conversation more interesting. Find anyone who has known me long enough and I give them permission to tell you some of those stories.)
As for what I do... I make belts, I make clothing. To that I say... "meh." It's not so much what I am doing as much as how I go about it that most interests me. The greatest lesson I've learned from all this donned on me yesterday. I take myself out of the equation as much as possible to let other people's brilliance come through. So many times someone has come into my life with an idea that I didn't necessarily like, but I trusted the person and trusted the relationship, and so move forward with the idea. It doesn't mean the idea always needs to be completed, (that is a whole other blog post about the life of ideas) but the idea ALWAYS has to be acknowledged. To me, ideas, and the sharing of thought, are the most intimate gifts you can give a person. Someone is trusting you with how they think and interpret the world. That is cool as fuck! Gifts of diamonds and gold can suck it!!!
While telling Jenna, my Creative Director, about the topic I was working on for this post she said, "Isn't that the definition of brave, doing something despite the fear of the consequences." That term doesn't feel quite right... I make clothes. But if there is a Zombie Apocalypse, and these lessons I've learned can be put into practice, then the term might apply a little better.
I just hope my theories of the Universe are right, at least for myself. It's just a leap of faith in the end.
And just so this post isn't all text... me behind my computer watching an 'The XX' video and sipping from my new Pirate Sock Monkey mug made by my friend Paul Gruner of Gruner Pottery.